Better Know a Big 12 School: Baylor

In part one of what I hope to be an eleven, or possibly even twelve part series, I am now introducing the "Better Know a Big 12 School" series here on CrossCyed. Clearly piggybacking off of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central, as well as many other websites, I plan to take a firmly tounge-in-cheek look at our conference foes. The good people at BearMeat have decided to help us out. And it begins.


CrossCyed: First off, why is the school named Baylor?

BearMeat: It’s actually named after me, Judge Robert Emmett Bledsoe Baylor. My last name is actually pronounced BAY-LAH, but when President Rufus Burleson decided to separate the men from the women in 1851 he took the “player” out of “Baylor.” Everything pretty much went downhill after the Republic of Texas joined the Union and the NCAA.

CrossCyed: There's a notable lack of bears in Texas, notably green ones. Why doesn't Baylor acknowledge its Texascity with an animal native to the state, such as feral hog?

BearMeat: On the contrary, my friend, Black Bears ARE native to the Lone Star State. While they are largely located in West Texas now, we proudly claim the Bears as an indigenous species to our region. While there hasn’t been a bear sighting outside of the BearPit in Waco for years, BearMeat is doing its best to stock Cameron Park with as many bears as possible to increase citizens apprehension of imminent bear attack at all times. To learn more about the Texas Black Bear go here.


Who knew the state of Texas had to deal with these Godless killing machines?

CrossCyed: Iowa State.......great Big 12 school? Or the greatest?

BearMeat: Two words…Jeff Hornacek. Greatest Ever!

Good answer.

CrossCyed: Why doesn't the state of Texas build some sort of wall, or electrified fence, to prevent immigrants such as Aaron Bruce from invading our conference?

BearMeat: Those types of immigrants have given us a few national tennis champions and plenty of dormitory hijinx, especially our men’s hoops team, who represent Australia, Africa, Europe and Waco! They are vital to our economy and are “doing the work Americans don’t want to.” Namely, losing to the rest of the Big12.


Immigrants. Slowly killing our country.

CrossCyed: The Bears won three Big 12 football games this last year. When do they plan to compete athletically in the Big 12 South?

BearMeat: Bears are like cubs…only grown up. And our Bears are like the Cubbies…only not so loveable losers. We killed/mauled an Aggie once on the field. Athletically speaking, we won that battle. Football speaking, I hope we pull a Scarlet Knight out of our ass one day while I’m still alive. Hell, our Southern Baptist Brethren at Wake Forest are going to a BCS bowl. Can you imagine what 13.5 million dollars would do to the Waco economy? Crack would be free! The streets would be paved! The homeless would have more underpasses! Patrick Swayze might even come back to his rightful home!!

CrossCyed: Baylor is the second oldest institution in the Big 12....now without looking.....which is the oldest?

BearMeat: Wow. I confess that we had to research this issue. By “research” I mean I had a BearMeat intern do a Google search for me while another intern fed me grapes and whiskey as I lay on the couch in my spacious office overlooking the Brazos River. When I came to a few days later, the intern reported that it was the University of Missouri. My initial response was to mount an armed expedition to destroy the school, but the better angels of my nature won over and I decided to express my frustration by lighting a stuffed tiger on fire.

CrossCyed: Which cartoon character better represents the drive and desire of Guy Morriss....Hello Kitty or Butters from South Park?

BearMeat: Let’s dissect this for a moment. As I see it, there is only one difference between Hello Kitty and Butters in the first place. One being a corporate Communist cat made in Chinese sweatshops; the other a corporate Roman Catholic cartoon character designed to invite controversial comedy. They are both very innocent, sweet, and apparently, congenial hosts. In conclusion, I would prefer that GuyMo is more communist than catholic. So I would say our multi-million dollar leader is more like the Mao character. Get it!?! Mao…Meow!!! Shit, I’m good!


It's Guy Morriss, for no particular reason at all.

CrossCyed: If one Big 12 North school was the mortal enemy of the Baylor Bears, who would it be?

BearMeat: Well after the reading the above question regarding the oldest institution in the Big XII, I would have to say Mizzou is our mortal enemy. Also, I believe that our b-ball team helped Quin Snyder get fired following a 90-64 drubbing last season at our giant golden titty palace, so that has to hurt. I’m not saying Snyder was a good coach by all means. In fact, that’s the only game I ever remember Baylor playing against Mizzou in any sport. Ever. Got any whippits?

CrossCyed: Rufus C. Burleson......great Baylor president or the greatest Baylor president ever?

BearMeat: This very question occupies about 95% of the discussions at our editorial meetings. Since we have two former presidents on the Board, there are some obvious biases. However, the general consensus is that the absolute worst president was Robert Sloan, who, though he single-handedly kept the Texas Red Brick industry afloat with his ambitious construction projects, also tripled tuition in his decade-long tenure. The greatest ever is most likely his successor, John “Grandpa” Lilley, whose bawdy sexual humor and penchant for naps during official events has endeared him to the B.


John Lilley. You know how he do.

CrossCyed: What in the bloody hell is diadeloso?

BearMeat: How dare you let that sacred word slide off your tongue with such fluidity!! Prepare to show me your papers proving you of faith in a higher Baptist power!...Who am I kidding? I can’t hate you guys. C’mon! You’re like family. Your ninth president, Charles Edwin Friley, went to Baylor. Diadeloso’s full title is “Diadeloso de la Muerte.” We slaughter all Bears and Priests roaming on campus, worship their inner organs, and devour their sweet, sweet meat. It’s like a more spiritual VEISHEA. So tell me…does your penis emit a radiant glow naturally or is that the result of close proximity to Ames Laboratory? Sic ‘em!


Was the '04 Diadeloso the greatest ever at BU? I think so.

CrossCyed: Thanks for answering some questions!


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I'd like some feedback on this little feature. It's more or less a way for me to get out of some actual writing, but if it's worth a laugh I'll continue. If you request, I'll interview you, even if you're not a Big 12 blogger. Now, let's throw Baylor up on the big board!!!



WOW! Waco really does shine bright!

'Til next time.